Comment/critique, please?
Read as far as you want, I wont blame you if you get bored. XD
-Thanks!
A smooth, controlled flick of the wrist and with a last stroke the tiger figurine was brought to life. The fur on its lean body was rippled with bold black stripes, its eyes were painted a brilliant blue. The artist stood up and admired his work, noting with pride the even coats of paint and the skillfully captured ferocity frozen in the tiger figurine.
It was time to go to the marketplace, he thought. The morning was fast approaching and the artist had many new figurines to sell. He knew he was skilled and his carefully crafted figurines would fetch a good price with the rich lords and ladies.
The artist placed the tiger figurine in a little wooden box, taking great care not to damage it. The little paint he had just applied would dry quickly on his way into the marketplace. He placed the box in his carrying-bag with the other figurines and, replacing the lid of the black paint pot, he started out to the marketplace.
It did not take him long to reach his regular stand, the day was fair and his heart light. People were everywhere, swarming from stand to stand, shouting over one another. Buyers and sellers bargained with one another, and although it was yet early, the marketplace was already alive.
The artist took his time setting up his stand; he meticulously opened one box after another and carefully placed his figurines side by side on the counter. Before he was done, curious onlookers had already drifted over.
The haggling began, and the buyers were impressed by the artist’s easy manner. In truth, he wanted only a decent price for his work. He loved what he did and he had only himself to feed.
Time flew by, slowly the figurines disappeared one by one. The artist was making good profit, and there was still one piece left – the tiger.
Another man appeared and examined the tiger figurine. “That’s a beautiful piece,” he said. “What will you take for it?” The artist only nodded in reply; his eyes had strayed elsewhere. A little girl stood close by, a yearning look in her eyes. She had been there a long time, he realized, admiring the tiger figurine.
“How much?” the man said. “You set a price, and we’ll go from there.”
“No,” the artist murmured, finally looking up. “No, this one is special, it’s not for sale. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t put it up on the stand, then,” the man retorted. His eyes narrowed and he strode off to the next booth.
The artist picked up his carrying-bag, now empty of figurines, and he took the tiger into his other hand. The little girl shrank back a step, her eyes flicking to the side.
“Here,” the artist said. “Do you want this? You can have it.” He held out the tiger figurine in the palm of his head.
The girl looked him in the eyes, and he was surprised by the unexpected boldness he saw there. As she lifted her chin, her raven hair fell back and she took a step forward.
“Take it,” the artist said. “I’ve sold enough. Just one doesn’t matter to me.”
She stared at him for a tense moment, as if trying to read his every thought and intention. The artist stared back, and suddenly the girl dropped her eyes and her hand shot out in a swift motion. Holding the little tiger figurine against her chest, the girl smiled and performed a wobbly curtsy.
“Thank you,” she murmured. “I’m sorry I can’t pay for it.”
“It doesn’t matter,” the artist said, smiling. “I am called Aranis, by the way.”
The girl hesitated, her eyes once again searching his for any sign to mistrust. “Tarin,” she said after a moment. “Thank you for the tiger.” Before he could say another word, she darted into the crowd, weaving through the throng of people and away from sight.
Tarin, the artist said to himself. What a strange girl. I wonder if I will ever meet her again. He had lost a good price for one of his figurines, but as he started home, his step was light and he wore a smile on his lips. What was his craft for, if there was no joy to it?
This is beautiful. I love your imagery, especially in the few lines.
I’m truly your fan. Keep scribbling! 🙂
i like it 🙂
but i think the : i wonder if i will ever meet her again sentence is unnecessary…
just my opinion 🙂
I L♥OVE IT! will u answer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqhbTwgR_w0kh9HGBIYENNMazKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20110330193352AAIRCrw
“It did not take him long to reach his regular stand, the day was fair and his heart light. People were everywhere, swarming from stand to stand, shouting over one another. Buyers and sellers bargained with one another, and although it was yet early, the marketplace was already alive.
The artist took his time setting up his stand; he meticulously opened one box after another and carefully placed his figurines side by side on the counter. Before he was done, curious onlookers had already drifted over.”
I feel as if the story is long enough, but at some parts it sounds a tad bit too rushed.
“Tarin, the artist said to himself. What a strange girl. I wonder if I will ever meet her again. He had lost a good price for one of his figurines, but as he started home, his step was light and he wore a smile on his lips. What was his craft for, if there was no joy to it?”
Consider: Tarin, the artist said to himself. “What a strange girl. I wonder if I will ever meet her again.” He had lost a good price for one of his figurines, but as he started home, his step was light and he wore a smile on his lips. What was his craft for, if there was no joy to it?
What was his craft for, if there was no joy to it?
The second clause seems to be a little confusing. You might want to reword it.
All in all, it was a good start. 5/5 for a start. But if this is a final, I wouldn’t submit it.
This is the best excerpt I’ve read of yours Seal. Well done, mate.
I have a few suggestions but I won’t make a list or anything, just suggestions for you.
“The artist stood…captured ferocity frozen in the tiger figurine.” The “ferocity frozen” bit is too much “F” sound. Be careful with word choice because you want to maintain your rhythm and this sort of jars the reader out of that comfortable pacing you set up. So keep an eye on these things.
“…surprised by the unexpected boldness..” When he’s surprised you don’t need to say that something is unexpected..it’s sort of redundant so I would remove the word “unexpected.”
When the girl says her name, because it’s an uncommon name, you should say something just to reinforce that she introduced herself. I re-read that a second time thinking maybe she was referring to something else or speaking a different language. So let the reader know it was her name. You could say instead of “what a strange girl”.. “what a strange name.” So as to tell the reader..this isn’t a big deal since it’s clearer as you read on but it’s always good to keep things as clear as possible.
And one last thing..Because you showed in such intimate detail, this character’s love for his craft..I’m expecting his skills to play a major role in the story (otherwise you wouldn’t have focused so much attention on it), and I’m wondering if that tiger figurine IS special (because there was an emphasis on it). So if you only meant to show this to let us get to know your character then I’d tone down the special bit and all that unless it contributes to the plot.
Very well done, Seal. It was a pleasure reading it. Well done 🙂
I like the scene. It’s interesting and it shows a lot of the character of the artist that he would put that much time and effort into something only to give it away.
I do think it’s a little description heavy. Also, you keep repeating “tiger figurine” I think the passage would flow better if you cut out “tiger” and just described it as “the figurine”. By that point the reader will know what you’re referring to and it’ll make it read a little bit better.
Also, in terms of structure, in the first paragraph you can make this two separate sentences: “The fur on its lean body was rippled with bold black stripes. Its eyes were painted a brilliant blue. ” And instead of saying “rippled with”, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, perhaps say “patterned with”?
Anyway, I like it! It’s interesting!
It’s ok, a bit too sweet for me but that’s just my stuff. The thing I noticed, and what was a distraction for me was the repetition of the word figurine(s), I counted 9 or 10. Try finding a different term. Maybe referring to it simply as the tiger or the piece. Figurine is an awkward word and I question if the interested parties, particularly the girl, are interested in figurines or tigers. I suggest the tiger motif has more scope for Development.
Just my thoughts, Hell what do I know?
Keep going and good luck.
gives seal some fish, i like it seal! it gave me an idea 🙂 while reading its, very good i like it